Thursday, Mar 20, 2008

One cool thing about driving around Britain doing in-stores, which is what we’re doing this week, is that you have plenty of time to watch the movies that you buy with the credit they give you at the stores you perform in. Here is just a taste of what we’ve been watching:

Judge Dredd*
Rambo 1-3*
Cobra*
Cyborg*
Double Impact*
Executive Orders*
Out For Justice*
Above The Law (or Nico)*
Under Siege*
Under Siege II*
On Deadly Ground*

If it seems like we’ve been focusing on Sylvester Stallone’s work, Jean Claude Van Damme’s important work, and the work of Steven Seagal, that’s because we don’t give any shit about anybody else. We literally, guys, don’t give A FUCK about anybody else or the "work" they’re doing.

If it’s been a while since you last watched the movies listed above, now is the time to refresh. We’ve marked with an asterisk the films that are absolutely crucial viewing for any thinking person who’s alive in 2008 and cares about art. To be honest, we weren’t initially convinced that Executive Orders deserved an asterisk. What happens in Executive Orders is that Steven Seagal dies in minute 22. When it happened, we grabbed the van’s steering wheel and drove straight into a fuel tanker we were so angry. In awarding the film a star, our thinking is: "This film has 22 minutes more Steven Seagal than 70% of the movies out there -- let’s give it an asterisk."

But all the other movies on the list are tied for first place in Art, probably even in the broader category of Work. These are simply great films. Take Cobra, for instance. Sylvester Stallone plays General Marion Cobretti, a cop with an attitude and absolutely zero tolerance for street scum. Cobra (as his kids call him) shoots first, killing his target, and asks questions later, trying to ascertain whether a crime was being committed. He even wears leather gloves when he eats pizza. Much of the film catalogs Gunnery Sergeant Cobretti’s lethal showdown with a Los Angeles "murder gang" who have made a sport out of killing innocent people, much the way Cobra has made a sport out of killing suspected criminals. The winner takes all: Brigitte Nielssen, back when she was scorching hot:

Dying to know how it ends up? You need only consider that Sly Stallone went on to marry Brigitte Nielssen, whereas all of the actors who played members of the murder gang died in the making of Cobra.

Please leave your favorite quotes from Cyborg in the comments section, and fucking watch this: