Thursday, Jul 31, 2003

A few words from Chris concerning last night's Rolling Stone Private Concert Series presentation of Hoobastank:

Last night I attended the Rolling Stone Private Concert Series presentation of Hoobastank, which, I'd better just tell you straight away, is a name some guys gave their band. It was a funny thing at a funny place during a funny time in our nation's history.* Now I'll give you what I'd have traded almost anything for last night -- the abridged version:

8:15 - 8:50 pm The opening band, Die Trying, plays. A bassist who looks like Josh Hartnett aside, I detect no reason that this band should possess any level of fame. Strip all guitar and vocal hooks from the Get Up Kids circa Four Minute Mile (not a time-intensive task) and you have the songs of Die Trying. But they're fun to watch because the lead singer is such a dipshit. Chained to no instrument, he is able to jumble around awkwardly (dance?) and repeatedly thrust the trusty goat horns roofward -- he brandished the horns with, honestly, the consistency that most of us draw breath. He also sneered a lot, which demonstrated a rakish disrespect for the proceedings/the man/parents/his own shitty emo vocals. Between songs he brought out some spectacular material, though. A partial list of quotes (all delivered with an enthusiastic cry, goat horns aloft): "New York, let me hear you SCREAM!!" "Okay, New York: Let me see your horns!!" "Who here loves to FUCK?!! I'm gonna say it one more time: Who here loves to FUCK!!!" "Okay, New York: get loud for me!!!" "New York, you guys have been great!!" It should be noted, in light of this last statement, that the crowd could not have responded less enthusiastically to Shitbrain's demands for noise and horn display unless everyone had en masse laid down on the floor of Bowery Ballroom and observed naptime (only a handful did).

9:00 - 9:15 Corporate stooge from Rolling Stone gets on the mic; he rants, yammers, and barks some of the most confused, hateful promotional muck I've ever heard. In a tone that simultaneously mocked corporate capitalism, bemoaned and celebrated his own minorly powerful position in it, expressed hatred for anyone under thirty, and condescended to all of music fandom, this expired cocoon of a man harangued the audience for fifteen minutes with demands that we go buy the products associated with the event's sponsors. He just went down the list: "A big thanks to Altoids! I want everyone to go out and buy Altoids tomorrow! BUY ALTOIDS! They're paying for you to see Hoobastank tonight for free! How long's it been since you had a BabyRuth! [answers shouted from the crowd] That's TOO LONG!! Buy BabyRuth! Do it tomorrow! They're paying for your show and your beer tonight!! They're PAYING for it! Who watches the Discovery Channel! Watch it! For the brain! Order it from your cable company tomorrow! THEY'RE PAYING FOR YOUR BEER!!! THAT'S A GOOD DEAL!!!" He actually said: "Thanks to Hoobastank for bringing it up to the mainstream!!", which I think even amateur ironists found amusing. And then came this great piece of advice: "Hoobastank's got a new album coming out in 8 weeks! Go out and buy it -- I know I will -- and do it with a Heineken in your hand!" His editorial vision goes beyond a call for Sam Goody to vend beer, though: "Buy the album! What a concept! Actually paying for the cd! [angrily] Don't burn it from a friend, don't download it -- BUY IT!! Cash on the counter for Hoobastank!!" ** A little cash on the counter for Hoobastank. I swear that's his wording, not mine. So yeah, this guy put a bad taste in everybody's mouth. If this had been medieval times, the crowd would have pulled him off the stage and broken his ribs.

9:00 - ? Hoobastank plays. Actually, they were fine. Though the musical arrangements were like another day at the office, Lead Singer was very charismatic and nice. He didn't do any posing or any between song audience stoking (he substituted nice-guy chit-chat), and thus he became a hero for we who were coming off an hour and a half of watching the retard from Die Trying and the gooniest dick at Rolling Stone. I would never buy Hoobastank's cd, cuz the music was truly uninteresting (I left after four identical songs). But don't worry! I'd never download it or burn it either. The most intriguing thing about Hoobastank is their name, which I can contemplate for free. I suspect naming your band Hoobastank has everything to do with being in highschool. The trick is to change it when you're older and realize what you've done. When they all turned 21, The Beatles didn't hesitate to replace their original name, Snizzlebutt, with something more befitting their age. Likewise for Red Hot Chili Peppers, who formed under the moniker Snizzlestank. We Are Scientists, who happily converted their name from Snatchwhistle in 2001, urges Hoobastank to shed the vestiges of their childhood. Also to write better songs.

* President GWB at a press conference yesterday: "I am mindful that we're all sinners. And I caution those who may try to take the speck out of their neighbor's eye when they got [sic, obviously] a log in their own." (NYTimes, 7/31/2003) Confusion ensues. Is he trying to say that it's folley to attempt minor eye surgery on your neighbor when your own eye is the one with a log in it? Or rather, the one what got a log in it? If so, then that's a helpful reminder. But if he's speaking metaphorically -- like, 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' -- then I think he'd have been better served choosing one of English's many time-tested idioms that run along those lines rather constructing his own. Although the Speck/Log thing is nice in that it's unambiguous. The Glass House metaphor, for example, leaves some room for interpretation, I guess, whereas if a person with a log in his eye is criticizing someone with a speck in her eye on the grounds that the speck-woman "sure has a lot of wood in her eye", then the log-guy is -- you've got to hand it to Bush -- a hypocrite and a fool, and would do well to consider the president's admonition.

** An interesting annotation to this tender little reproach can be found in Hoobastank's bio, where we discover that "In 1998, Hoobastank went worldwide with their self-released first album, They Sure Don't Make Basketball Shorts Like They Used To. While the disc sold well at shows and local retailers, it took off online, expanding the band's fan base to places as far away as England, Israel, Russia and Brazil." Hmm. 'Took off online'...is that like cash on the counter for Hoobastank at Sam Goody or something?

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