Tuesday, Jul 02, 2002

No time for jokes, just facts.

FACT: Michael is off to LA for a week and a half starting Wednesday evening. Fans of WAS who feel like taking him out for a drink or showing him off at a party should submit requests to us via email. Things to keep in mind about Michael if you’re thinking of taking him out…
-likes: dolphins, kittens, sado-masochistic sex, fries with any of these
-dislikes: balloon animals (“they don’t taste the same”), sponge baths (“too sexy; too…I dunno, touchy”)

FACT: Keith is sick. This happens reliably whenever we have a show, so he got sick for Saturday’s show, and still is now, three days later, cuz Keith overachieves. For instance, a four-year-old child once asked him to blow up a balloon so that she could make a balloon animal out of it and Keith blew and blew – well past the balloon’s proper turgidity – and blew and blew til the balloon disappeared with a loud pop. The child, who had got a glimpse of true evil, glared at Keith with disbelief and righteous anger and began bawling and pointing, perhaps to notify anyone at all who might be interested that the devil was standing there next to her. Keith put on his smarmiest grin and bent forward slightly, hands clasped behind his back, and said, “How’s that. How’s that for you. How will that do for your purposes, little child. Is something the matter? No. Nothing’s the matter. All is right as rain, isn’t it, you overgrown insect,” and things of that manner until the little four year old child passed out right there on the pavement from loathing, her air supply choked off temporarily by blackest hate.

FACT: Chris… jeeze. Had breakfast this morning and many before it. Oh, oh, oh: look for Chris’s billboards in Times Square and elsewhere around New York City. He did the copy for the Sanofi-Synthelabo campaign recently produced by the ad agency he works for. Super-rad, we’re sure you’ll agree. Super-cheesy and dumb, is more like it. We’re all a little shocked that he failed to wiggle even a single WAS reference or pun into the work. As punishment, we are considering downgrading him from bass player to guitarist, allowing Keith, among others, to try out for the coveted bass spot.

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