"intrepid rhythm arrangements, clever lyrics,... booty shaking" -TimeOut New York
And now, the third quintile of Creative Minds, Inc.’s 100 Best Pickup Lines, critiqued, annotated, discussed in a scientific and methodological way by Sam DiClaremont, WAS’s in-house Sexpert. (You have no business reading this unless you’ve already read Part 1.)
Section III: Joke Lines
1. Is that your ass or does your back have the mumps?
What the fuck does that mean?
2. Damn, girl, are those your breasts, or do you have two midgets under your shirt?
“Are those your breasts, or do you have two cats curled up on your chest, girl?!”
3. Girl, your ass is so big, when you walk, it looks like your ankles are going to break.
Is this really a pick-up line? Isn’t it maybe just a straight insult?
4. Baby, you must be tired, because you’ve been running naked through my mind all day.
“Although I’m quite tired, too, cuz I’ve been chasing after you the whole time, and I’ve been carrying a chainsaw.”
5. Excuse me, miss, are you here alone, or is the huge guy coming this way your brother?
Huh? I’m pretty sure Creative Minds, Inc., did come up with this one on their own.
6. Can the three of us get together this weekend?
Response: The three of who?
Answer: You, my penis, and me!
“Why, you and me, girl, that’s two, and uh… well……oh, and my penis, girl! Don’t forget my penis! That’s three!”
7. Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.
Answer: Our conversation. Let’s pick it up from here.
I imagine this is the way a CIA operative approaches someone on a college campus to recruit him/her for the agency or something. Delivered really menacingly. “Our conversation. Let’s pick it up from here. Don’t bother turning around or trying to run. You’ll be gunned down before those cats on your chest can say ‘meow’. You work for us now.”
8. You know, I’ve been watching you not watching me.
“…and it’s pissing me off.”
9. Excuse me, is your last name Campbell, because you look “um, um, good”.
You mean mm, mmm, good? “You look…um…that is…you, uh…um…”
10. Hi, my name is _____. Don’t forget it, because you’ll be screaming it later tonight.
Another serial killer line. This is just incredibly intimidating. There’s nothing romantic about it. ‘Screaming later tonight’ sounds like it should be accented by the ring of a steel blade being pulled from its sheath.
11. Excuse me, miss, are you too tall for a short conversation?
“Excuse me miss, are you too smart to be fooled by bullshit?”
12. Girl, your jeans are too loose, do you need me to fill them in for you.
“Allow me to buy you a chili-dog, girl! And a sheet cake or two!!”
13. Excuse me, miss, would you like to go with me to the movies? I have a great video at home.
Could you repeat that please, because I have no idea what you’re asking me. Are those two separate things you’re talking about? Or maybe at home you have a great video which explains how to go to the movies? Like a ‘how to’ video?
14. Excuse me, miss, you dropped this back there.
Response: Back where?
Answer: My bedroom.
So, this one requires a prop, I guess. You have to decide what you’re going to claim was left back in your bedroom. I think the classy thing would be to hold up a nice cocktail or something, but maybe for verisimilitude an old bra or a hairnet or a condom wrapper would work better.
15. Girl, you look exactly like my second wife, and I married only once.
So… who do I look like then? Confusing. I think the best pick-up lines are really less clever and more an emotive suggestion. “BAM, baby!! WHATANASS!! Yahaaa!” That’s my kind of line.
16. Baby, the way I make love is like a drug: one dose of me and you’re hooked.
Don’t cats have little barbs on their penises? at least male cats? Is that what this is referring to?
17. Excuse me, miss, but is your husband married?
I don’t think this sounds like a pick-up line. More like a logic game or something. A real turn-off.
18. Girl, you look good and I look good, so why don’t we get together and see if it feels good!
Nice. “…and see if it feeeeeeeeeeels good, baby!”
19. Girl, give me your number or I’ll kill myself.
Jesus christ. Suicidal desperation: I like it. It’s just crazy enough to work.
20. Excuse me, are those Bugle boy jeans you’re wearing?
“Excuse me, I like the Sprite in you.” The fellas over at Creative Minds, Inc., were laughing almost too hard to type when they wrote this one. “Bugle Boy jeans!!! Ho ho!! Like in the commercial!!”
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