ALARMING DISCOVERIES: People Are Crueler Than You Can Possibly Imagine

If you are like most Americans (and ALL members of the W.A.S. community), you are easily and thoroughly offended by vulgarity. Cuss words, it’s fair to say, incense you; when you hear them, your cheeks flush, you involuntarily begin flapping your arms in an understated manner, and you indignantly excuse yourself from the conversation.

We know, we understand, we agree. We’re with you 100%.

That’s why when we discovered that people everywhere — in your office, at your health club, in your home — have been surreptitiously lacing their conversation with obscenities, we knew we had to tell you, and fast.

So yeah, wow, can you believe the nerve of this? People have been sneaking filthy language into everday phrases that they use with you in everyday conversation. They’ve been doing this every day.

Don’t worry, though: W.A.S. is very much to the rescue. We’ve made note of several phrases that folks — hardy, everyday folks — have been corrupting in awful ways in order to clandestinely ship their naughty filth past the various border-checks of your mind. Steel yourself, push past the terrible discomfort, and read these dirty nuggets so that from now on you’ll know when to cover your ears and go “BLAH BLAH YADDA BLAH DA”[sic].


“John, look, inASSmuch as I’ve got the time, I’d like to help, but…” [alt: “inasmuch ASS”]

“This dog? A SHITzu, I think.”

“Okay, now turn the stopCOCK, or you’ll spill all the…”

“FantASStic. That sounds FantASStic.”

“…um, detroit is in miCHICKEN, I think.”

“You can not ASSuage my anxiety with vague promises of a quick death.”

“On that occasion, we put four sails to the wind and DID YOUR MOM, DID HER RIGHT IN THE BUTT.”

“A stuntman? If Jim is a stuntman, I’m Abraham FUCKing Lincoln.”

“This crime scene smells disturbingly like your shit, Detective. I can barely breathe in here… the air is stEIFFELing…”