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name: justin
query: hi im really stuck you see my mom and i moved to new york 3 years ago and now its the summer and im spending it with my family in california and soon i will have to go back to new york but i wanna stay here and live with my dad and my dad wants me to live with him i have asked my mom if i can stay but she said no how can i convince her to let me stay with my dad ????????

Justin,

You need to tell her that a kid needs his dad, and a dad, well, he needs to be a dad to his kid. When a kid and a dad... when a kid doesn't have his dad around, and that dad is somewhere far away, the dad– that is the KID, ends up with a vacuum... the dad ends up... from the dad's end, a kid is as crucial as the dad is to the kid, so for the dad to be removed from the kid... at any age really... a kid and his dad, and vice versa... when a kid GIVES his trust to... to... your mom needs to understand about kids and dads and their kids that kids... when kids give... a dad who never... a kid who... a dad. A kid. A dad, a kid, the dad. The kid. The dad. The did. The kid did. Did dad? The kid did. Did kid? Dad did. The "Did Dad" Kid, they called him. He was known as that, and vice versa.

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name: Mirdonamy
query: Do yellow and blue really make green?  I mean, what is it to MAKE something anyhow?  Besides, the pineapple didn't forget to chew the cardboard from last Tuesday, and next week's diagram of pain doesn't seem too promising for hamster domination now does it?!

Mirdonamy,

What is this, freshman philosophy class? Really. You can't let yourself get caught up in these solipsistic tarbabies, kid. Sure, they're fun to toy with on the subway on the way to work. "The pineapple didn't forget to chew the cardboard, and either for that reason or in spite of it next week's pain diagram appears to promise that the hamsters will fall somewhere short of outright dominance in their final campaign" -- what a fun line of reasoning to explore! But ultimately it'll get you nowhere. It'll detain your reason, lock it up, so that the more you strain against its greasy binds the more you wear yourself out and forget your first principles.

Instead of wasting your time on that crap, build your mental muscles on this powerful Zen koan:
The bear finally reaches the front of the line and it is his turn to go down the waterslide. He is extremely nervous. During the last few minutes of waiting, the kids behind him have been speaking exuberantly and at length about the pure terror they experienced last time they rode this waterslide. The bear overcomes his fear enough to sit down in the small pool at the top of the slide. The water is cold on his asshole.


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name: Sarah
query: Dear Scientists,
I have been interested in playing an instrument for years now, and I'm finally getting motivated to learn. I have myself a shitty little drum set which falls apart whenever I strike it, or, I can save some money and buy either a bass or guitar. I just picked up a bass today and liked the way it felt, so I'm now wondering: what is each instrument's feature/special power? Which one do you fine men believe I should take up?


Obviously you're going to get near-unanimous disagreement when you ask us, the three members of a band featuring three different instruments, that question. Michael thinks drums are great, but not nearly as good as the guitar or the bass. Keith likes guitars okay, but nods his head as vigorously as a cartoon dog being offered a cartoon steak when you ask him if he'd like to play bass or drums instead. And Chris -- while he doesn't exactly 'hate' the bass -- would "trade every bass in the world for just one guitar, or just one drumstick." And although he's referring to a drumstick of fried chicken, you can see that the jury is very much still out on what you should pick up.

One thing to consider is that female drummers are for some reason fairly rare, and are therefore highly prized. On the other hand, the guitar is really the only one of those instruments you'd be able to do much with if you don't have a band and maybe just want to put on the occasional show for Grams and Gramps from the airy side of their gravestones. And the bass, of course, makes the best instrument for hitting people with, on account of its size and weight and the spikes that stick out of it.

So what you really need to do is decide what you're after. What's your goal? What role do you want music to play in your daily life? The fact is, at the end of the day, you can't really go wrong with any of these three fine instruments, unless you choose drums.

Good luck!


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Other people whose lives we've touched:
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