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name: Chaka Mfana
query:

Dear Friend,

I write to seek your cooperation as my foreign partner and your assistance to enable us to own properties and invest in the stable economy of your country. I apologize if this mail does not suit your personal or business ethics.

My names are Dr.Chaka Mfana. We are making this venture proposal to you in strict confidence. As senior civil servants in the South Africa Government, the South African civil service laws(Code of Conduct bureau)forbids us to own a foreign account.

The money we have in our possession is an overdue payment bill totaling Eighteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars (US$18,500,000.00) which we want to transfer abroad with the assistance and co-operation of a company/or an individual to receive the said funds, via a reliable Bank Account.

If you will like to assist us as a partner, then indicate your interest after which we shall both discuss on the modalities. All other information to facilitate the remittance of the funds will be revealed to you in due course. For your assistance, you shall receive our share of the entire sum will be 30% amounting to Us$5.55Million of the US$18.5Million, 60% amounting to US$11.1Million for us and 10% amounting to US$1.85Million will be used to settle taxation and other miscellaneous expenses in the course of transferring the funds to your account.

Please indicate your direct telephone and direct fax number when replying this business proposal I will  call you when necessary. If you are not interested, please also indicate so that it will enable me to contact other foreign partner with recommendations to carry out this deal.

A swift acknowledgment on the receipt of this mail will be appreciated. Thank you and God bless you.

Best regards,
Dr.Chaka Mfana



Dear Chaka,

Thanks for finally getting back to us. It sounds like most of the details are starting to come together. We can hardly believe it: this thing may actually happen!! Crossed fingers all around!!

Chaka, one thing has never been totally clear: how many people are you? You say, "My names are Dr. Chaka Mfana," which could easily be a charmingly outdated phrasing meaning something like, "My given name and surname are Chaka and Mfana," but then you identify yourself as "civil servants" in her majesty's secret svc. or whatever, and the confusion swells and takes hold, trunnel-like, leaving us wondering if there's like three of you and all of you are named Dr. Chaka Mfana, which maybe is not such a rare name as it sounds.

Anyway, that's just curiosity. Down to the business at hand, because there is one rather serious misgiving we have that must be discussed: You guys say you're in possession of "an overdue payment bill totalling Eighteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars." Now, are you sure that's not money that you owe to somebody else? "Overdue payment bill" -- that sounds like a late phone bill or credit card bill or something. So anyway, drop everything and just take another look at your "overdue payment bill" and make sure it's actually money you have and not money that is desired of you. Because that could change everything. That could throw a big ugly wrench in your plan.

But so, assuming you determine that you are in fact holding $18.5 million, then let us get down to the modalities. First of all, the split, to us, seems a little unfriendly. Are you and we not partners in this venture? You guys and us guys? You three Chakas and us three scientists? So fifty/fifty seems more like the thing, seems more like -- as is sometimes said -- "the ticket". Consider it. It's simply more just, Chaka. Everybody equal. It means fewer weird vibes. Fewer 9 milli's brought to the big meet-up, or whatever you want to call it. The rendez-vous. What the fuck ever. Chaka, seriously, if it's going to be you pecking us to death over picayune details, we'll just opt out right now. We'll pass your offer along to one of our masochistic friends -- we have tons.

SOOO, Chaka... fuck, where were we? Fuckin' Chaka. Look, man, men, whatever -- we're in. Let's do the damn thing. But we'll tell you what, it's going to be simplified. Hear us out. Simple is sexy, Chaka; think about dresses. So here's the simple plan: mail us the money in a envelope, we'll accept it and sit on it till you can get out here, then we'll split it up and raffle off the prizes. Chaka, can we suggest FedEx for this? Seriously, don't slip your 18 largest into a manila folder and tape it shut and mail it South African Post -- that's just crazy. No, no matter how bad it looks to your constituents, you not using the local service, you need to go FedEx. Tracking could end up being key. Imagine, Chaka, that it's like day 13 -- you mailed the 18.5 thirteen days ago -- and it still hasn't arrived. You want to be able to tap FedEx.com for the instant solution. It's worth the extra 20 bucks. That can come out of the 10% miscellaneous expenses sliver of the bundle.

Okay, all is set. Chaka? Courage. Courage, man. You are about to put 18 and a half million dollars into a post box and walk away -- this will not be easy. Fortitude, Chaka. Steely resilience. Beady-eyed malice, Chaka. Whatever gets you through. Get mean, Chaka. Get fucking angry. Rally your strength, rally your Chakas, steady your hands, and lets make. This. Happen, Chaka.

Hey, and Chaka? See you when you get here, old friends. Old guys. Old service ministers of our heart.

sincerely,
tWAS


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