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Hi!  I am hopig you will be of service to me.  I am trying to find out what something is made of.  I get hair extentions and my stylist has a new medthod for the extentions. however the new treatment is extremetly costly. too costly. ( even for her to buy the hair..  ( if she knew what the piece that holds the hair strand together was made of, she could have it made herself.  Do you know of such a company that will analyze this piece for her / us?  or can you do it?  Please let me know.  It is very important to her to find put just what this is made of. it feels like the thin part of a horses nail. sounds weird I know.  thank you for your help [)) -ed.]

Janet ____

Holy shit, Janet!

Holy shit, we would love to do the analysis you require. Please give us the contract! (How will you beat our bid on this contract? Our bid of "free"?) Frankly, analyzing mystery compounds is something of a passionate hobby for us; we are a band first, yes, but most weeks our time sheets would probably show more man-hours spent on analyses of enigmatic substances than on anything related to music. In fact, we spent much of this morning analyzing a disgusting grey/green ball of nastiness that we found in the bathtub drain...(beat)...turned out it was Amanda Peet's career!

But seriously, Janet, we take this job very seriously. Let's put our thinking caps on and take a look at the clues. Now, you say that this new method of extending hair relies on a "piece" that "holds the hair strand together", something like "the thin part of a horse nail", apparently. There are three major methods of hair extension: Heat-sealed synthetic extensions (the 'Dome' method), Pinch-braided synthetic extensions (the 'Hairpolice' method), and Temporary loose extensions. I think we can throw out Temporary loose extensions for obvious reasons -- that's clearly not what the hell you're talking about! Since Pinch-braided extensions rely on the use of a single length of thread or string incorporated into the 4-way plait at the top of the hair, it's ulikely we're talking about that shit right there either. No, we're almost certainly looking at the Dome method, in which your own hair is braided with synthetic hair for about half an inch with a 4-way 'box' braid, which braid is then wrapped in more synthetic hair and heated to create a seal that can last months (hot tip: don't have a Prostyles C2 heat clamp handy? Try applying rubber cement to the braided/seal area and lighting it on fire--save time by doing all the hairs at like a charm and it's fun! Make sure a friend has a camera and a tape recorder!)

So your stylist has some sort of new material that she can use to seal the extensions, but it's very expensive and she'd like to circumvent the middle-man and buy straight from the supplier? We know exactly the stuff you're talking about, and it's expensive for a reason: it's horse nail. Needless to say, horse nail is singularly difficult to harvest, especially the thin part, which is what you need. The fact is that the prices your stylist is probably looking at (somewhere in the neighborhood of $1000/bucket is standard) aren't the result of a greedy intermediary, but rather because horse nail is super, duper rare. We recommend that you just pony up the cash -- the stuff is worth every penny. Advantages include:

Strength: extensions will last years and are so strong you can tie pool balls to the end of every strand, if you want. You can tow cars or swing from bridges.

Smell: a pleasant scent, musty, powerful, evocative of chestnut or horse.

Taste: mouth-watering flavor; sharp, well defined, with a robust finish and plankton-y aftertaste.

What else can we say? Get out there and get some horse-nail extensions!!! Get a few of 'em!! We've all got 'em and love 'em!, did we mention that? C'est vrai!

Bon soir,

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