ask a scientist

 
             

   
 
 

 
Dear Bestest Band Ever (a.k.a. We Are Scientists - that's you; I aren't scientist, neither I, nor I),

Driving east on Foothill Blvd, near your old rocking grounds, we wanted to put in a super special cd to brighten our rainy evening. But, we couldn't find Safety, Fun and Learning (in that order). So we took out our back-up copy of SFL(ITO) next to our flashlight, jumper cables, and flares. Twenty seconds into "Over and Out", we four Claremont women/chicas were so inspired by y'all, we abandonned our idea to form our own band and decided to play Chinese Firedrill instead. This seemed like a reasonable alternative because
a) we're lazy.
b) we're too lazy to list the other reasons.
Now, this was a fun-filled learning activity. Granted, it was not safe. It was especially not safe because it was raining, dark, and we were confused about Chinese Firedrill ettiquette.

Can you tell us whether you should switch seats or return to your previously occupied seat after encircling the vehicle??? Maybe this will help us be more safe next time.
We'll Chinese Firedrill with you anyday,
Elisabeth, Annie, Jessica, and Sarah


E, A, J, &S:
Let us be the first to recommend that you not engage in chinese fire drilling ever, ever, ever again. Do you want to talk about an incrediby dangerous activity? Okay: ha ha, yay, chinese fire drilling, chinese fire drilling, chinese fire drilling, yeah. Let us go on the record as heartily recommending an evening of unprotected sex, shared needles, and half-odds russian roulette next time you're looking for a little action and leaning toward a chinese fire drill. The medical journals and the IntroNet (TM) are lousy, absolutely lousy with horror stories:
The fellow who, during a chinese fire drill, tripped and fell through a sewer grate (he was whisper-thin) by the time his friends fished him out nearly an hour later, he had missed an important appointment to see about a job. As a result, he did not get that job. He did get another job, but not all of these stories have happy endings...
The young woman who, during a chinese fire drill, fell into a sinkhole and died.
The small baby who took part in a chinese fire drill and ended up in a seat other than his car-seat in the shotgun seat, actually and who, as a result, kept slipping out of his seat and into the floorboards whenever the car slowed (his diaper was plasticky and slick). He had this to say of the situation, "This is the shits! This is for the birds! Ai mi!"
The cat who participated in a chinese fire drill and got hit by a passing car.
The dog who tripped during a chinese fire drill and, tragically, was the object of much ridicule and scorn and even cuffs on the muzzle from an abusive owner.

Here are several things that are safer than chinese fire drilling:
Walking around in Brando's living room with pork-chops sewn into the liner of your jacket.
Time travelling back to The Nam.
Werewolf jokes if you are a stand-up comedian playing to an audience of the scruffy scoundrels.

Here is a diagram of your typical round of chinese fire drilling:





Girls, if you care anything for life and the finest things it has to offer (WAS, fame, cigarette boats), consider dropping this dangerous habit altogether.

sincerely,

w to the a to the s


archives
 

.

need advice?
ask a scientist!

name:

email:

question: