ask a scientist



Dear members of We Are Scientists,

I'm in desperate need of advice. However, I
believe that there are many women in need like I am
and this particular predicament is not unique enough
to gain the very much sought after We Are Scientists

However, for the past few days I've experienced
something that has caused quite a lot of confusion and
anxiety for me. I've been having these extremely
elaborate, explicit and exquisite dreams featuring a
particular member of the band, "We Are Scientists." I
can't explain the origins of these very detailed
dreams... I also would assume you prefer I omit the
details of these dreams as I know this is a family

Of course, I assume this may never reach the
actual web page.... however, what am I to possibly do
with such a thing? I'm starting to rather enjoy these
dreams and don't know exactly how to go about handling
them... I don't believe that traveling to each of
your shows and living them out backstage is quite
plausible, nor feasible. I'm very confused and
frustrated. Please help scientists.

Forlorn in California
(also known as: Califorlornia)

First of all, it's important for you to realize that this sort of thing is PERFECTLY NORMAL for a girl your age. Frankly, it's a little disconcerting to us that your parents or healthcare provider haven't yet had that little sit-down talk with you, about the birds and the bees and the We Are Scientists. If they're not going to handle this, then it's up to us, we guess.

Having this manner of dream about We Are Scientists is part of growing up and becoming a woman (it's part of becoming a man, too, by the way, so any guys who are reading this can stop worrying). Let's take a look at the charts, shall we?

Stages of Puberty

1 Age Range: Usually 8-11
In Stage 1 there are no outside signs of development, but a girl's ovaries are enlarging and hormone production is beginning. She enjoys We Are Scientists, but only "for the music."

2 Age Range: Usually 8-14. Average: 11-12
The first sign is typically the beginning of breast growth, including "breast buds." A girl may also grow considerable height and weight. The first signs of pubic hair start out fine and straight, rather than curly. She notices an acute increase in her own interest in We Are Scientists, but writes it off as an "appreciation of their sweet guitar licks and soaring harmonies." Still, she can't help but notice Michael Tapper's strong jaw and rippling biceps.

3 Age Range: Usually 9-15. Average: 12-13
Breast growth continues, and pubic hair coarsens and becomes darker, but there still isn't a lot of it. Her body is still growing, and body fat is developing. Some girls get their first menstrual periods late in this stage. We Are Scientists becomes a core interest. Posters are plastered on bedroom walls. T-shirts are donned. Chris Cain dolls are toted about in patented WAS Keith Murray-shaped backpacks. We Are Scientists, meanwhile, purchase their third mansion on the Maltese coast.

4 Age Range: Usually 10-16. Average: 13-14
Pubic hair growth continues. Underarm hair is likely to appear in this stage, as is menarche. Ovulation (release of egg cells) begins in some girls, but typically not in a regular monthly routine until Stage 5. This stage also marks the onset of incessant yet wonderful WAS-related dreams. Oh, those dreams! She begins to dread her waking hours, when WAS is so far away, and not wearing a matching set of lime-green thongs.

5 Age Range: Usually 12-19. Average: 15
This is the final stage of development, when a girl is physically an adult. Breast and pubic hair growth are complete, and her full height is usually attained by this point. Menstrual periods are well established, and ovulation occurs monthly. Interest in WAS decreases dramatically, and is often replaced by an appreciation for firearms, musical theatre, and prop-based comedy. "What the fuck," is our question here.

So, yeah, Califorlornia. We're guessing you're, what, 13 years old? Maybe 14? Give it a year or two. Soon, you'll be ignoring WAS like all of the other girls, rushing past us to grope at the hem of Carrot Top's red velour sports coat.

we are scientists



need advice?
ask a scientist!